the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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