the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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