y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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