There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What a dumb baby whore.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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