she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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