I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
