My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
