I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
