she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
