I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
