So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
