Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
