Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
