Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
