you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
ugly people sure do ruin things
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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