it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
