My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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