While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
