The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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