We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
