I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
