I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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