my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
