Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
