I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
