I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's always time for handjobs
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
