why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
