I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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