i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
