yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Michael Bay diarrhea
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
