I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
