i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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