He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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