My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
