Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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