you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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