Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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