Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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