every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
