I murdered the dance floor call the cops
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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