Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
