i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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