She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
