If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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