It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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