Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
