I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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