today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
