I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
