Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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